Patricia (Pat) Mathews
mathews@unm.edu
Someone's channeling Kris Kringle, and the channeler for Barbie sent him
THAT letter...
>(Santa Claus is...well, Santa Claus, and right now he's not terribly happy)
>
>Dear Barbie,
>
>This "fat little troll" had one nerve left and I'll be darned if you didn't
just
>get right on it.
>
>Maybe it would be good to remember, sweetheart, that I am not your creator,
nor have
>I ever had anything to do with the way you are molded, shaped or dressed.
When little
>girls first began asking for you for Christmas all those years ago, I
couldn't believe
>that they would want a doll that looked like an anorexic Jayne Mansfield.
I had
>a very hard time trying to assemble you, then when I finally got the hang
of it,
>that shyster from Mattel showed up and told me that, Santa or no Santa,
that you
>were their "property," and that anything that had the Barbie name on it
belonged
>to them and them alone, and that I would be in a world of trouble unless I
"ceased
>and desisted". The upshot was that I was permitted to represent Mattel as
a distributor
>at Christmastime, for which, I'll have you know, I pay a pretty stiff fee.
That's
>a heck of a lot of fruitcake, young lady.
>
>Now, exactly where do you get off talking to me about how you've been
"helping me
>out" all these years? I asked the elves and the reindeer, and all they can
seem
>to remember you doing was showing up, usually late, on Christmas Eve,
seconds before
>liftoff, then spending the whole trip complaining: "I'm cold!" "The
reindeer stink!"
> "GI Joe is sticking his gun in my back!" "Get your grubby little hands
off of me,
>you filthy little dwarf!" Some help you are. Not to mention all of that
other Barbie
>stuff. The car, the Dream House, the horse, the dog, the hundreds of
outfits--you'd
>think I was hauling Princess Diana all over the world, for heaven's sake.
>
>And now, to listen to you, one would think that I wouldn't be anywhere
without you.
> Well, listen up, sister, it's no skin off my nose like a cherry not to
have to haul
>you all over the place. I was around a long time before you came around,
and I'll
>be around a long time after you're gone.
>
>So, you don't like being a teacher, a veterinarian or a dentist? Sorry to
hear it.
> Perhaps you should follow the example of your old friend Midge, who got a
life of
>her own after she was dumped by your bosses. She married Captain Action,
has a nice
>house in the suburbs, three adorable kids, and sells real estate. I saw
her a couple
>of weeks ago. She looks wonderful, as pretty as she ever was and twice as
sweet,
>and doesn't seem to remember the Machiavellian antics of her dear friend
Barbie.
>
>
>Speaking of pretty and sweet: your little sister Skipper has blossomed
into quite
>a pretty young teenager, and her friend Courtney is a little heartbreaker.
Have
>you noticed? I can assure you that Ken has. Perhaps that's why he's such
a "wiped
>out excuse for a boyfriend." Ho ho ho! And, by the way, Ken's earring was
Teresa's
>idea.
>
>As for GI Joe, does the phrase "don't ask, don't tell" ring any bells with you?
>
>
>Now, I apologize if I seem a bit un-Santalike here, but I didn't need this
from you
>right now. This is the busiest time of the year, I'm trying to get the
reindeer
>back in flying shape, I've got appointments out the ying-yang, and I'm
fighting a
>case of the stomach flu. And now you. Now, we go back a long way, and I'm
sure
>that I can find an old sweatshirt and a sports bra around here somewhere,
but most
>of what you're asking me for is out of my control, and you're going to have
to take
>it up with Mattel. Perhaps I can prevail upon them to come up with
something suitable
>for a woman of your 38 years (not 37, dear).
>
>How about "Pelvic Exam Barbie"?
>
>HO HO HO!
>
>Santa
>
>
>
>Free web-based email, Forever, From anywhere!
>http://www.mailexcite.com
>
Jean Lamb, from Klamath Falls, Oregon, tlambs@magick.net
http://www.sff.net/people/jeanlamb. Now working part-time at a library near me!
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Thu May 25 2000 - 19:07:34 PDT